All Blonde No Brains

When I say “I hate blondes” I don’t mean girls with blonde hair. I hate blondes. You know those really stupid girls with high laughs that make your eardrums bleed? The girls that sit beside you in class and point out the obvious to make you feel stupid—or worse—purposely make themselves look stupid to impress a boy.

At my school, in my grade, there are two true blondes. The first we will call Georgia and the second we will call Stella. Now, though these two are true blondes, they are different subtypes of blondes.

See, Georgia is the “pick me” blonde who giggles with the boys, hushes and puts down other girls, and overall acts like she’s a child who is at the center of everyone’s universe. She’s a choir kid (because of course she is) and often can be seen turning around, her pin-straight head hay whipping the girl next to her in the face, as she “corrects” the soprano section as if she were the teacher. Now the “pick me” can be popular among men around her, but usually this subtype of blonde has quite a few ladies ready to take a stab at her like Judas to Julius Caesar.

Everyone who isn’t a man hates Georgia, or at least most can find attributes of her personality to be overwhelming annoying and whiny, but the type of blonde Stella is is harder to identify if you aren’t well versed in the world of “knowing the blondes.”

Stella is the type of blonde I like to call “bleached.” While her hair might be all natural, her personality is bleached and ready to be colored by anyone and anything she latches onto. Things that can color a bleached blonde are as follows: attention, romantic interests, confrontational people, large friend groups, and, most importantly, their ego. Now, these colors can range from pretty shades of blue to an ugly puke yellow. The aforementioned “confrontational people” are a bad combination with bleach blondes as they often call out bad behaviors or selfish tendencies.

Bleach blondes are some of the hardest to work with as they draw a thin line between friendly banter and snarky comments. The bleach blonde I am most familiar with is currently coloring herself to match my friend group while growing gray hairs over a confrontational person—me. I took no issue with this blonde trying to find friends in my friends, but as soon as I got that first snarky comment I was quick to return the favor. She attempted to joke around with me like my friends do, usually in the form of insulting each other lightly, but where she slipped up was trying to insult me, a girl she had previously bad-mouthed. I shut my mouth for that first time, but the next day I lunch I bit back.

Here started a heated game of hot potato. Me and Stella now try to see how many bad remarks we can make disguised as jokes—she usually starts such rounds and I end them. Though, I have to admit that I have the advantage for I am not the one with a bad bob (I mean come on.. get some layers girlie). Her selfishness has grown to the point that the group she was trying to blend into is changing colors as they realize her true identity. Such a change in attitudes towards her has left this bleach blonde bitch botched and broken with damage and dying hair.

To some this up, true blondes are annoying, don’t be a pick me, and if you want to win an argument don’t have a bad bob.